8 signs your relationship is holding you back, according to an expert

Is your relationship holding you back?

While it might be a scary thing to admit, recognizing the signs that your relationship isn’t working is actually a healthy move toward growth.

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You used to feel excited every time you saw their name pop up on your phone. Now, you hesitate before answering. What changed? 

If you’re constantly wondering if your relationship is good for you, then you’re not alone. Many people stay in relationships that no longer make them happy, simply because they don’t recognize the warning signs. 

“Every relationship has flaws, but at what point does the bad start outweigh the good?”, says Hayley Schlattman, MHC-I, Clinical Resident at Well. 

“Relationships take work and are not always a walk in the park, but the right relationship will put in the effort to make the relationship feel healthy and fulfilling for everyone involved.” 

If you’re struggling with poor communication, resentment, or lack of emotional support, these could be signs that your relationship is holding you back. In this article, we’ll explore expert-backed insights on when to stay—and when to walk away. 

How do you know if you’re in the wrong relationship?

“But what happens when you’re not in the right relationship?”, asks Schlattman. 

You might notice: 

● Difficulty opening up to your partner and trouble trusting their words or actions. 

● Instead of a sense of joy when being around your significant other, you feel a sense of dread or frustration on a consistent basis.

● Hard time communicating your needs to your partner or notice that they aren’t communicating their needs effectively. 

● You feel little to no interest in having sex or vice versa notice them having little to no interest in having sex with you on a consistent basis. 

According to Schlattman, if any of this feels salient to you, you could be in the wrong relationship. 

8 signs your relationship is holding you back 

It’s important to recognize if your relationship is holding you back, with studies showing that if you stay in an unhappy relationship, it can negatively affect both mental and physical health. 

Research suggests that people in high-conflict or unsupportive relationships experience increased levels of stress, anxiety, and even higher risks of heart disease. Therefore, identifying these warning signs early can help you make more informed decisions about your well-being.

• Lack of Open Communication

  “This one goes without saying but if you aren’t able to communicate with your partner about things that may be bothering you within the relationship, this may be a sign that the relationship isn’t healthy for you,” says Schlattman. 

  Every relationship has different communication styles, and while this is normal, it’s also healthy to accept when they aren’t working.

  Research has proven that a lack of communication is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. For example, your partner might not feel safe being honest about their feelings and this lack of vulnerability could affect your relationship as a whole. 

• Feelings of Resentment

  “Do the little things your partner used to do that lit up your day now make you roll your eyes? Do their little quirks and traits make you feel more irritated than excited?”, asks Schlattman. 

  These changes are often the early signs of building resentment toward your partner. Studies found that unresolved resentment can significantly lower relationship satisfaction and lead to emotional withdrawal. Addressing these feelings early through open dialogue or therapy can prevent long-term damage. 

  While it is possible to move past these feelings with open communication, if this isn’t possible—it could be a sign your relationship is holding you back.

• Minimal Intimacy

  Intimacy is an important part of any healthy relationship, and it’s not all about how much sex you are or aren’t having. While it may seem cliché, it can signify a relationship breakdown in couples. 

  “Do you notice yourself not wanting to have sex with your partner more often? Do you feel less inclined to be with them on an intimate level?,” asks Schlattman. 

  “Not just in regards to sex, but emotional and other forms of physical intimacy as well. Doing things like cuddling together or cooking together may seem less appealing if the relationship isn’t working for you.” 

  While every relationship is different, if you notice you or your partner straying from your usual patterns—whether that means now spending weekends apart or prioritizing alone time over couple time—it could be a sign your relationship isn’t fulfilling you anymore. 

• Sense of Mistrust

  “Do you trust your partner? It sounds like a silly question but really think about it,” suggests Schlattman. 

  While the concept of sneakily checking your partner’s phone is controversial, if the thought even crosses your mind—it indicates a lack of trust brewing in the relationship.

  After all, research has proven that trust is the foundation of emotional security in relationships, and a lack of it often leads to higher levels of anxiety and insecurity. 

  “There are moments where trust in relationships is tested, but a consistent sense of mistrust is something to be aware of in your relationship,” says Schlattman. 

  “If you don’t feel like you can trust your partner around certain people or places, or trust their word when they tell you something, this might not be a good relationship for you.” 

• Lack of Support

  While relationships aren’t always perfectly balanced, you should consistently feel supported by your partner. 

  “Do you feel that when things get difficult for you, your partner is nowhere to be found?” asks Schlattman. 

  According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown, alongside defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. If criticism becomes a pattern, it may indicate deeper issues in the relationship.

• Criticism

  Lots of couples engage in healthy relationship banter, but there’s a difference between poking fun and your partner finding ways to constantly undermine you. 

  “Does your partner regularly criticize you whenever you try to bring an issue in the relationship up to them? Do they find ways to tear you down rather than working through the problem as a team?”, asks Schlattman. 

  If you’re answering yes, it may be a sign that you’ve outgrown your relationship. 

• Feeling Contempt

  Couples argue, but while things can be said in the heat of the moment, do you feel that they are being mean for the sake of being mean? 

  “We are all human and we sometimes say things we don’t mean, but if it happens consistently, or more often whenever there is a conflict in the relationship, the relationship might not be a good fit,” says Schlattman. 

• Stonewalling

  “When you try to communicate with your partner, do you notice them shut down completely? Do you feel them withdrawing from the interaction and distracting themselves to get out of the conversation? This is what’s known as stonewalling,” explains Schlattman. 

  “It is important to note that stonewalling on its own does not mean the relationship is doomed. But if your partner is not willing to listen to you and instead shuts down or avoids the conversation anytime there is conflict, it’s something to keep in mind when thinking about what the relationship means to you.” 

What should a good relationship look like? 

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but there is such a thing as a healthy one. 

According to Schlattman, the definition of a ‘good relationship’ hinges on open communication, empathy, patience, and compassion. It’s about accepting that we’re all human, and we all have flaws, but that you both have the respect and love for one another to work through those issues as a team. 

How do you break up with someone you love? 

No matter how many signs you have seen, or arguments you’ve had, it’s always going to be difficult to let go of someone you love—even if you know it’s the right thing to do.

The wrong relationship can hold you back, and you deserve the kind of partnership that allows you to grow and evolve through thick and thin. 

If you’ve decided to end your relationship, or are having doubts, don’t let all this overwhelm you. A problem shared is a problem halved. 

“Breakups are hard, there’s no denying that,” says Schlattman. 

“Seeking out external support through therapy can help with determining how to break up with your partner. A therapist can help you look at the situation more objectively and find ways to navigate the difficult emotions in a safe space.” 

At Well Psychotherapy, our therapists provide guidance to help you build healthier, more fulfilling connections. Take the next step and schedule a session today.