Attachment Styles in Relationships: Understanding Your Patterns
Our earliest relationships shape the way we connect with others—often in ways we don’t even realize. Whether you’re constantly worried about being left, feel emotionally distant in relationships, or fall somewhere in between, your attachment style may be playing a big role.
In this post, we’ll break down the most common attachment styles, how they show up in relationships, and how therapy can help you move toward secure, connected love.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers form the blueprint for how we connect with others in adulthood. These patterns—called attachment styles—influence how we relate to romantic partners, friends, and even ourselves.
The four main attachment styles are:
Secure
Anxious
Avoidant
Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant)
Let’s explore each.
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment tend to feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They trust their partners, communicate their needs openly, and are able to offer and receive emotional support.
Secure attachment traits:
Able to set and respect boundaries
Comfortable with intimacy and alone time
Generally self-aware and emotionally regulated
This doesn’t mean they’re perfect—it means they’ve learned to navigate conflict and connection in healthy, adaptive ways.
Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached individuals often crave deep emotional intimacy but fear abandonment. They may become preoccupied with their partner’s availability, seek frequent reassurance, or feel easily hurt or rejected.
Anxious attachment signs:
Fear of being too much or not enough
Difficulty trusting without constant reassurance
Hyper-awareness of perceived distance or disconnection
If you find yourself overthinking texts, struggling with jealousy, or feeling like you’re always chasing closeness, this might resonate.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment often develops from early experiences of emotional neglect or pressure to self-soothe. These individuals value independence and may downplay their emotional needs—or the needs of others.
Avoidant attachment signs:
Pulling away when relationships get too close
Feeling uncomfortable with vulnerability
Prioritizing independence over emotional intimacy
Avoidantly attached people may appear confident and self-sufficient but struggle with deeper emotional connection.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
Disorganized attachment combines traits of both anxious and avoidant styles. These individuals often want closeness but are afraid of getting hurt. Their relationships may feel chaotic or intense, marked by push-pull dynamics.
Disorganized attachment signs:
Unpredictable or intense relationship patterns
Struggling to feel safe in intimacy
Internal conflict between craving connection and fearing it
This style is often linked to unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving in early life.
Can Your Attachment Style Change?
Yes. One of the most hopeful aspects of attachment theory is neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to form new pathways and patterns. Through intentional work, reflection, and healing relationships (including therapy), it is absolutely possible to shift toward secure attachment.
How Therapy Can Help
Working with a therapist can help you:
Identify your attachment patterns and how they show up in relationships
Develop emotional regulation tools to reduce anxiety or shutdown responses
Build self-trust and self-compassion, especially if you’ve experienced inconsistent caregiving or past trauma
Practice secure relationship habits like healthy communication, boundaries, and mutual support
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself—it’s about gaining the awareness you need to rewrite the story.
Final Thoughts
Your attachment style may shape your relationships, but it doesn’t define your future. With curiosity, intention, and support, you can unlearn patterns that no longer serve you and create the secure, connected relationships you deserve.
Looking for a therapist who gets it? At Well Psychotherapy, our team of relational therapists specializes in helping adults in their 20s and 30s navigate anxiety, dating, and deep-rooted relationship patterns. Schedule a free consultation to get matched with the right fit.
